Taunting thoughts late at night

Why cant Gods love be enough for her?
Why can’t that cancel out all fear
Why cannot Gods perfect never failing love just be enough for her…? Why want anything else…?
An aching confusion still is present
Father, may your unfailing love leave an imprint on her heart

Aching for Transformation

Simply:

God, cut me open and replace my destroyed soul.

My interior of my being is blackend

Viscous, Dark, thick,

Like a smoker with lung cancer

I am tainted, tarred, destroyed

Heal me Lord?

Come into me Father and chip at my heart

I ache so terribly

Yet am so numb.

Father unthaw me Lord

I long for Joy

I long for peace

I long for you

Renew my mind oh Lord

Replace my anger and bitterness

With joy and peace.

Father, I pray that I may love you again.

With the strength that you gave me,

I will seek you as best I can.

Father, I come to you to ask for healing

Father, will you heal this broken girl

Curled on the floor?

The place where I have taken up as home

For I fight with darkness every day

And foolishly allow myself to lose the battle

time and time again.

Lord, may you be faithful

Father may I have faith

I call to you in the silence,

From my tormenting thoughts

That scream so violently in my head

Rescue me Father

Please

I give you these burdens

Please take my yoke father

I can’t continue much longer

On my own

Calm my heart:

crashing waves of hurt, anger, bitterness, and fear

Will you make me new again?

I am nothing

I am nothing

I am nothing with out you

May I only rely on you and your strength

May I only allow you to be my doctor who will heal me

Fix me

Make me whole

To put these broken jagged pieces of me

Back together again

Father please,

I cry out to you again and again

Will you come and rescue me?

From myself…

May I be ready to let you in…

Let the transformation begin

Reflecting Back

The cold hard stone beneath me
The sun’s warmth above me
A brother beside me
You speaking within me

The history of our past strewn around us
The present beside me
The future below us

Filled with curiosity and excitement
Trust radiates from within them
I am blinded
Future continues on the journey into the past

The cold hard stone beneath me
The sun’s warmth above me
A brother beside me
You speaking within me

His words pour out
Every sentence with
A note of passion
Singing to my heart

The cold hard stone beneath me
The sun’s warmth above me
My brother beside me
You singing with in me

Comfort floods over the walls that barricade my heart
Walls not to protect
But to imprison
Suppressing the light
Inhibiting truth

The cold hard stone beneath me
Your warmth surrounding me
A friend beside me
You proclaiming to my Heart

A time in a cemetery with you…

Trapped

Racing heart

Racing mind

Catch of my breath

Anxiety creeping

Breeched walls

Of my mind

Outside in:

Short responses

Tense mood

Unreadable tone

Thoughts stampeding

Doors broken

Mind consumed

Fighting

Compressed chest

Body tense

Jaw clenched

Eyes shut

A plea leaking

From my lips

“Help me Lord”

Struggling

Fighting lies

Shallow breath

Shacking, quivering

Ready to run

Can’t escape

Losing hope

Breaking

The War within Rages on…

Ringing in the New Year with Reflection

As at I sit in my room with the lights off, and only a string of blue lights along with 3 candles to illuminate my New Years Eve, I sit and reflect…finally. Just listening to probably one of the most beautiful and depressing cds in my collection haha dashboard confessionals, I sit in the comfort of my room on my oh so cozy bed with candles with the most appetizing aromas. Finally I take this time, seeing as it is the perfect time to really open up my eyes to the experiences and situations of my past semester. To really look at them and see them for what they are worth and the value pertaining to my life, my spiritual walk, my journey with Christ. Wow, Lord I am tired. I am worn down, run down, beat up, bruised and barley standing. You have taking me on probably the most intense and yet scariest and some how exhilarating roller coaster ride of my life (thus far…ha) I apologize for putting you off for SO LONG! I apologize for not making time and using the excuse that I don’t have time to sit and reflect…to convince myself that I need a certain place and amount of time in order to become connected with you. I just need to ask you to meet me where ever I am, not for me to find a place so that you will come…Father I have been so very prideful and bitter. You know my reasons…and I am sorry it has taken me this long to see your goodness in it all!

Just the other day I was talking with my wonderful friend Beth. We ran into each other at the the groceries store and I hadn’t seen her in ages! I was in the produce section looking for a pomegranate and there she was by the lettuce! =) Thank you for blessing my day with that time with her. For her to be able to be honest and express openly about her life and her new relationship with her boyfriend, I treasure that sooo much! Just for someone to be that real and open with me is such a gift to me! Lord every time I am with her, she speaks truth courageously and confidently…she knows you and who she is in you. She is truly a light in my life! Her experience with a friend of hers opened up my eyes to the things that I chose not to see, the path I chose not to grasp onto.

Oh Lord…through giving up something…someone…I didn’t completely give it to you, I held on to any little piece that I could, and I grasped on with all I had…causing me to fight and struggle against you and not hand it all over into your welcoming and trusting hands. I was so scared…terrified of what I was losing…I didn’t believe that you were doing this for my good. I saw it as only a punishment for my mistakes, for my compromises, for my weakness of not staying focused on you. I was so lost in myself and who I thought I was, and was supposed to be…I placed my identity in someone other than you…And through that you saw that I need to give that up…In order to truly rescue me and answer my pray that I would find myself, my identity, who I am meant to be in you; in order to truly show me….You had to show me the one and only option, the only way for me to truly come to you and to truly allow you to be my only one, my only one in which I go to for comfort, for strength, for wisdom, for encouragement, the only one in which shows me who I am . This i take full responsibility for, and come to you broken and ready to face my mistakes, to face you, to come to you and ask you to forgive me…and to TRULY truly offer up this weight of heaviness to you…Every day you show me God the reason of those events. And finally I am turning to them with open arms rather then turning away in anger and bitterness. I need to remember that what I had to do, only caused me to Glorify you!

It wasn’t necessarily the loss of this person that cause all of this turmoil…(though losing a best friend isn’t ideal…) but the loss of myself and this stable relationship that I thought I had with You truly turned my around. Because of my reaction of anger and resentment toward the outcome of my choice and where I felt you calling me, it only caused me to fall farther away from you. It caused walls to be built and defenses to go up. I was so completely blinded by my own pain, (the pain I chose to hold onto) in which i didn’t see your goodness and trusting hands reaching for me. I turned you down for help so many times! I got too comfortable with my pain and my anger. Just how the book, that was given by my amazing friend,explained that we need to step over such things.

“The Dance of Life”

Negativity
Sometimes we have to “step over” our anger, our jelousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the “offended one,” the “forgotten one,” or the “discarded one,” Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.
Henri J.M. Nouwen

I just could not get myself to step over them, I could not see any good out of this! Any at all…it just hurt, I hurt so much, I was so confused and so lost…soon lost hope, and without hope there is no faith. “Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 “And with out faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6

Now because of this anger, this distrust, this fear towards you Father, you know that soon enough I was only allowing satan to get in and distort my thinking. I only saw the bad, the horrible! I only saw what seemed like everything and everyone was out to get me. You, my friends, my school. I was being punished.

But you don’t punish, you only direct. You Test. You guide. You love. Through my two roommates, my soul sisters, your disciples, these gifts given by you, did I start to slowly understand your love. Sometimes bold, blunt, true, sometimes comforting and warm. Always forgiving and loving. No matter which is it, it all is that same! You never change!

Father Captivate me! Lord God I want to Love you with all I have! Father you have shown me over and over again that You are Faithful! And you will never leave me, forget me, move on from me! You will always love me! You will never let me down! It is now my turn to trust you and surrender all of my hurts and pains, all my sin and shame to you!

Its yours! I am yours!

Your Daughter,
Who wants nothing More
Then Your attention and affection,
Your forgiveness and Grace,
You Everlasting Love
You Are

Written on New Years Eve, Finished on the 16th. Still so much more though…

Too Much but Not Enough

This phrase has been my shadow all semester.

It rang true in my heart, this fear of being too much but not enough…now its not just a fear but has formed into a solid truth in my mind as well as my heart. I am too much…too much of what? Too emotional. Too energetic. Too ditsy. Too moody. Too talkative. Too jealous. Too self centered. Too self conscious. Too bitter. Too over analyzing. Just Too Much! I can’t even take it…I have not only become too much for those around me but too much for myself. I can’t even think straight in order to express my thoughts…there is too much in me that is polluting and destructive. I am too much of all my sin, but not enough of Christ…thats where it comes down to…I am not being that disciple, not being that selfless servant, not disciplined enough, not humble enough, not serving enough, not loving enough…Not enough for Christ…

Am I too much to handle for Christ? Am I enough for Him to love?

Pikria

Pikria: as found in my journal…
-The ring of fire that burns a hole in your soul
-Comes out of grief or dissapointment
-No joy in the Lord, you will have no spiritual strength
-Bitter, bitterness

Another findings from a website (yea I know…not really reliable source…?)
This is a study on the Bible concept of bitterness.

Bitterness is one of the most crushing mental problems in a person’s life. When a Christian is bitter, there is a loss of close fellowship with the Lord and a hindrance in one’s relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.. Bitterness causes a loss of many of the blessings of the normal Christian life, including emotional stability, peace, and joy.

Bitterness is a devastating mental attitude sin, and it triggers a wide range of other sins, such as:
-Hatred
-Cruelty
-Antagonism
-Self-pity
-Unteachableness (implacability)
-Vindictiveness and desires for revenge
-Prideful ambition (arrogance)

What do I say to that? How do I protest? Justify my own reasoning? Make my excuse valuable…

Its not worth it trying to run from sin…or satan…As much as I fight with myself…a part of me knows this is what I need to face…

I am bitter, I am bitter with God…I am frustrated and hurt…I am that screaming 3 year old having a tantrum in the store because I didn’t get what I wanted…
Hatred? Yes…hatred of myself
Oh but self pity comes along to temporarily sooth the wounds…but it only stings rather then comfort
Prideful ambition…I have been wanting the attention…wanting the acknowledgment…I have not been surrendering it to God…The one who deserves it, the one who it belongs to…
Jealousy
Greed…for attention, affection, comfort, encouragement…
I am selfish…I have indulged enough with my selfishness…but even though I am sick of it…I can’t seem to get rid of it

I fight within myself, finding no clear answer, no resolution to this problem…

I have become a problem…

I don’t know where to begin to seek forgiveness…from God…from people…

I am ashamed and guilty…

I am broken and alone

How does God love me after so many years of whining to Him…when truly i need to get off my butt and do something about it…

I am paralyzed with shame and fear

Hopelessness creeps in…

Where do I begin to undo the damage that has been done?

So much destruction has happened inside and out..

The ugliness of my sin is so prominent now…I can’t hide it anymore…I am done, I give up!

I am a sinner…

So many thoughts and feelings running through me right now…I am numb…I need sleep so desperately…but I am afraid if I go to bed I wont have the strength to get myself out of bed…There is no comfort to be found…I am resisting with all I have to not reach out to another…I can’t expect to be comforted…not with the way I have been acting…ugh…so much ugliness…so many stains…do i have the strength to ask them to be washed away? I’m tired of seeking reassurance that I’m fine, its not me…but truly? I brought this all onto myself…I let Satan have a foot hold into my heart…

God rescue me

The Dance

The Dance

The supposed two and half hour drive turned into the well-known four and half hour drive back to school. The trip was longer then intended yet deep down a part of me knew it was going to happen…and welcomed it with out guilt or regret. Even though my life back in Winona was waiting for me as well as the dreaded studying needing to be done that night, I had made up my mind.

The river once again came into view as I reached Lake City. Even on such a dreary and rainy day I could see the multiple fishing boats and sailboats on the water. For once I enjoyed going the speed limit of 30 through town, trying to pay attention to the stop lights instead of the city’s attractions all around. Every time I would drive through this unique yet obvious tourist town I had always wanted to stop and explore and enjoy all that it had to reveal.

I recognized the sail boat harbor coming up on my left and made the quick decision to pull over into a scenic parking area along the river. As I pulled up I noticed a dark skinned man sitting in his car with his hand hanging out the window and a cigarette between his fingers. Accusations came running into my mind immediately as I turned off my car and grabbed my headphones. I tried quickly to change my perspective (as I made sure to lock my door…) Frustration of myself tried to rise up in me but I quickly swallowed it back down. I didn’t want to deal with that part of me at the moment.

I got out of my car and walked towards the four-foot rock wall in front of me. Instead of going around the rock wall I decided to sit on the wall, swing my legs over, and hop off onto the sidewalk. The rain has subsided and only on occasion does mist grace my face. The fog rolling over the bluffs gives the scene a mysterious and eerie feel yet there is a presence of peace. The gray dreary clouds engulf the sky not allowing a ray of light to penetrate through. The weather unquestionably reflects the weather of my soul.

I put my headphones in and chose the song that I had been listening to for the whole ride here. I walked to the rock like steps and noticed two ladies quickly walking toward me. Seeing their pace I slid to the side to let them by. I wasn’t in any hurry and didn’t want to get in their way. I see them walk onto the cement wall of what seemed to be a pier, the exact path I was planning on taking. I decided I would wait until they left and instead went towards the riverbank. I really wished I had the whole area to myself and to be completely secluded from others at this moment. But there were 3 guys sitting on the shore fishing and I noticed two little kids farther away toddling around with their parents. One was a little boy in a sweater and the other was a curly haired little girl. My heart melted by these two beings filled with such joy! Oh how I could not wait for and so much longed for the day that I would possibly have a little gentleman of a boy and a darling curly haired girl…another thought I pushed to the side that I didn’t want to think about then.

I walk towards the rocks that line the pier. The crunching of what I thought were rocks were the shells that belonged possibly to clams and other water creatures at one time. The shells coated the shoreline and even with my music drowning out most noise I could hear glass like crunching underneath my feet. I thought about those shells abandoned on the shore and how I prayed that someday I would be able to abandon the shell that I have greatly relied on to hide and protect me and yet I have let imprisoned me. If only I new what it looked like to toss my shell to the side and let the Truth be my protector and comforter. If only I had the strength to rely solely on the Truth and not rely my own shell that I have grow around me.
I climb onto a rock and just stand looking over the river and the misty bluffs following along side it. The wind blows strands of my hair across my face as I let my eyes scan the mysterious and beautiful gloom before me. There is something about the wind that I can relate to and connect with. I enjoy wind and the presence it has. It’s something you can’t see; only the reaction to it is visible. It also causes things to dance and move… Something was moving inside me, something that so badly wanted to be discovered and understood, to be let free.
I hop to another rock, and then to another going further away from the people on shore and closer to the end of pier. Part of me wants to leap and bound from rock to rock but another part of me fears the pain that could be encountered by a misstep and stumble. I stop again and drink up the beauty of this cloudiness. The two ladies are now walking back to shore end of the pier. I start climbing over the rocks to reach the landing of the pier.

How I have been scrambling and climbing over similar rocks and boulders in my life. These rocks are smaller compared to some of the ones I am trying to concur, but their representation was apparent right in that moment. I love climbing and making new paths when I explore…however I need to stop trying to make new paths for myself…why do I have this desire to stray away and seek for adventure? Isn’t the path ahead of me just as mysterious and exciting? If I choose a path I make how will I know that it will lead me to a wonderful place and not to a dead end or a dangerous cliff? The path marked out for me however leads to a place that anyone can reach, a place that is safe and beautiful. I feel in my heart the distance that is between me and the marked path made for me. How I have strayed away and chosen a path that I believed was better that I thought would be more exciting. I have let pride blind me and lead me away from the path that I believed would not be fulfilling and not filled with the adventures of winding and rocky paths, steep hills and boulders to climb over. Again that longing for adventure stirs in my heart and pride again tells me that I will not find it on that mapped out path. I did chose a trail that had such winding and rocky paths, steep hills and tall boulders to climb over…but I didn’t have hands offering to help through and over such trials. I chose a trail that had little light, made me vulnerable and brought me into danger of other creatures. This trail I soon realized, only led me to a dead end. I am at a dead end.

I walk down towards the end of the pier that faces the river. Every so often I came upon a weird iron mushroom shape of some sort sticking out of the pier. In one stride I stepped onto each one on one foot and then back onto the ground with the other. I lunged onto one then walked up to the other and lunged up and over the other. I finally reached the end of the pier, finally a greater distance away from people, away from watching eyes. It was just me, my music…and God?

God? Are you here? What took you so long? Where have you been?! I have wanted you to be next to me for so long! I have called for you and your presence, I have cried for your hand to hold! I have whispered for your comforting embrace! I have yelled to hear your voice! Where are you!? When I needed guidance? When I needed comfort? Where are you when I only see darkness!? I am mad at you! Are you happy now? Why these trials? I am tired and weak! Why these lessons for me to learn! I once used to love learning! Now I just want run away from you! I haven’t seen that comfort that others promised! I haven’t seen the Love that you are! I only see anger, I only see frustration, discipline, disappointment, irritation! Because I have chosen my own path, I have made my own way! Is this why you are teaching me a lesson? Because I have failed so many times?! God all I want to do is to hide myself and the person I have become! Hide it away from you! I want to run away and hide from my friends! Hide from the world! I want to run away from myself! I am tired God, I am so weary! You have broken me down to where I can do nothing on my own! Are you happy now?! You can have me! I want nothing of me and this person I have become! But why would you want me?! I have failed You God! I have failed you! I don’t know how to be the daughter you have created me to be! I have failed to see you as my Father! Lord I don’t know what that looks like! I have failed God, I don’t know how to love your people anymore! I have screwed up God! I have become selfish and prideful! I don’t know how to listen for your voice Lord. I am ashamed Lord, I am sick to my stomach with shame, knowing of the ugliness I have become! Is this why the pain! You are breaking me of my ugly sinful self? Lord can you rebuild me God? Can you put me back together Father? Something stronger and more reliable Lord? Lord I don’t want to hurt anymore! Will you please take this pain away?! Take this selfishness, this pride, this ugliness away God! I am DONE with this person! With this shell! Take it God! I am DONE! Its too heavy God…it’s too heavy! I can’t go any further God. I need your help Father I need your Love! Please Lord wash this ugliness away God! Wash it away! If you must…chip it away, tare it off, take a hammer to it God just please rebuild me God! Make me into the daughter you have intended me to be God! Bless me with that Discipline Lord. That determination and motivation God! Light that fire with in my soul once again God! Jesus I can’t do this alone! I finally just give up! I give it up to you Christ! Take this girl, what ever is left over, what ever hasn’t been destroyed by selfishness, pride, self hatred and make me new once again! Wash this all away! Father teach me how to forgive myself! To love who you have created! To fully accept the life you have called me to LIVE!!!!! To go forth boldly courageously and confidently IN YOU GOD! Only you Father! Father bless me with wisdom and discernment! Grant me patience and a listening ear to your voice and calling! Father give me the strength to love all of your people and to ONLY see them through YOUR EYES! Father you have to start over on me, I am made a mess of your creation! I have made a mess…please forgive me Father, please Love me Lord! I NEED Your love so badly Father! I can’t continue life with this emptiness, this void in my heart God! Something is missing from it and I pray and ask you to PLEASE FILL that hole God! Fill me God; overflow with in me so that I may live for you and Like you Jesus! Father make me strong and protect me from the lies satan so convincingly tells me day in and day out! Give me the strength God to resist satan! Let no selfishness and pride take hold of me again! I AM DONE WITH IT!!!! I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! Father I need you! I need your love and comfort God! I have been searching for it in all of the wrong places! Letting it fill me for a moment only to leave me in desperate need for more! Letting my selfishness hurt others! Father that is not me! I don’t want to be like that! Father let your LOVE BE ENOUGH FOR ME! Let your comfort be all I NEED! No more of me seeking approval! No more of me needing reassurance! No more of me searching for my self worth and value from others! No more comparison! No more jealousy God! Help me to be content in who you called me to be! To be thankful and see my gifts you have given me in they’re fullest potential, they’re fullest potential in YOU! ONLY IN YOU! I don’t want to keep searching God! NO MORE SEARCHING! I see it! I see its in You God! I see it and I pray I can reach it Father! That I can reach you! I reach my hand out to you God! I reach it Father please take it! NEVER LET ME GO! Father help me to be patient and to continue to GO to you WITH EVERYTHING! To only seek you out first! To give you my baggage and my fears! Oh Father take them away! They have so greatly weighed me down father! I can’t take on any more baggage! Jesus help me to leave it at your cross! Jesus will you unload my burdens and my fears and doubts! Could you take them Jesus? I don’t deserve you and your Love! You sacrificing your life for my worthlessness! Jesus why?! Why do you love me?! Help me to understand or to just embrace with out question! I have failed you so much God! I have not been living completely for you I have not fully surrendered my whole self to you God, my whole life! Father let your holy spirit fill me God! Let the Holy spirit dwell into my spirit and soul! My whole being God! Oh father help me to forgive myself, to forget all of my wrong doings and failures! Father please walk along side me! DON’T LEAVE ME FATHER! I NEED YOU!!!! I can’t do this on my own; I have tried and have failed miserably! Help me to learn! Not just a lesson but to learn more about WHO YOU ARE! Who you are as MY FATHER! I have no idea what that looks like! God you know my relationship with my own father…and I sadly view you in the same light! Impatient, showing of no emotions other then mostly anger…Father I fear You! I fear your punishment…I know its coming, I know what I have done wrong! I don’t know how to do better? I try to do everything perfect, I am so particular on how things get done! I am afraid if I don’t do things right, make the right decisions God, that you will get mad at me! You will be disappointed in me Father and yell at me…that you will not be proud of me God! I just want to make you Proud! God Please help me to let go of these thoughts, these images I see of you…Help me to see who you really are! My loving Father! Help me to also see who my own father is and to let go of these images of Him and only see Him the way you see Him! He is just trying to do the best he knows how…He, I am sure doesn’t want to let anyone down or disappoint anyone! Trying to be strong for all! God show him that he doesn’t have to try and do it all by himself God…I do love him…I know he loves me! Let me Father God to forgive him and not hold anything against him…he is human Father, just like me…let him feel your love God! Oh so many prayers Father so many things weighing on my heart God, I lift them up to you Jesus! Take them God and in return give me that faith I have so greatly missed! I have so greatly forgotten! Jesus help me to have faith and trust in you! Even though this path is SO HARD and so painful, it’s not going to lead me to my peril, to dangers of the forest or to a dead end! That it is leading me to the light! Leading me TO YOU! Walk with me through this path God, give me hinds feet so that I may leap and bound along side you up and down the mountains and into the valleys! Father Open my eyes and ears to your voice and your calling! I need guidance God! I want live fully for you Father…
Father TEACH ME TO DANCE!

I will teach you
Take my hand Katie
Find your center…let it be Me
Do not worry or be afraid, just let me lead
I don’t expect it to be perfect
It’s just you and me
Don’t take your eyes off me Katie
Don’t let anyone distract you from us dancing together
It doesn’t matter what they think or what they say
If you listen to their words and not my music you will surely stumble
I will never let you fall
Trust me Katie
It’s just you and me,
Only you and me
Lets just start off slow
The box step is good
Don’t be ashamed
I haven’t taught you other dance steps yet
Because you are not ready for those leaps and twirls quite yet
I know your heart but be patient
You have to learn to follow in step with me first
If you try you will trip and stumble
Soon enough you and I will waltz
For now firmly hold onto my hands
Never take your eyes off mine
That’s ok, stepping on my toes is to be expected
The pain is already forgotten and gone
It’s just you and me
Dance with me
Don’t give up
Just because you have screwed up on a step doesn’t mean you have failed
Don’t give up
Are you listening to my truth?
I love you and all that you are here and now
Have faith
Let me lead Katie
Be patient
Soon enough
Just dance with me
You are doing lovely
I am proud of you
Focus on me
You are already forgiven
You may rest your head on me
I wont let you go
Rest on me
You are beautiful
You are perfect in my eyes
I love you Katie
More then you can imagine
Trust me
Dance with me Katie